Sunday, March 8, 2015

Calling Customer Care...

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and, so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past December, and the bank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?

Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?

Citibank: Excuse me?

Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?

Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.

Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?

Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?

Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.

Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.

(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?

Citibank: That might help....

Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.

Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
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Google Adsense

Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts?

Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email.

So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard, then I'm going to be forced to bone Santos our pool boy."

Then Google will include three ads in her message:
First for Viagra to offer help for your problematic erectile dysfunction.
Second for Purina dog food to help build healthy bones.
and to satisfy the most important need - a local pool service.

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What's Tanjooberrymutts?

By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China! Believe me... you WILL understand!!! The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...

Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.

Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?

Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.

Room Service: Ow ulai den?

Guest: .....What??

Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?

Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.

Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?

Guest: Crisp will be fine.

Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?

Guest: What?

Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?

Guest: I.... Don't think so...
RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes???

Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.

RoomService: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?

Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RoomService: We botter?

Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.

RoomService: Wad?!?

Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.

RoomService: Copy?

Guest: Excuse me?

RoomService: Copy.. tea... meel?

Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.

RoomService: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??

Guest: Whatever you say.

RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts.

Guest: You're welcome 

Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
And you do now, don't you!

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Alia Ke Kisse

Alia Bhatt: Hey dad, what's the plan for weekend ?
Mahesh Bhatt: Income Tax Returns.
Alia Bhatt: Hey, first Part Kab Release Hua Tha?
Mahesh Bhatt: Jaa Meri Maa, Tu Shooting Pe Jaa!!!

Alia was Participating 100 metres Race...
Referee said: 1, 2, 3, GO....
Everybody started running except Alia Bhatt.
Referee: Why are you not running...?
Alia Bhatt: My number is 4.

SBI Bank: Humara Bank Aapko bina Interest Ke Loan De raha Hai....
Alia Bhatt: Agar Dene Mein Interest hi Nahi Hai Toh Kyun De Rahe Ho? Nahi Chahiye....

Alia Bhatt: Let's go for movie .
Varun: Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment today.
Alia Bhatt: Just cancel it, tell him you're sick.

Alia reading newspaper.
News: Indian athlete lost gold medal in long jump.
Alia comments: Idiot !!! Who told him to wear gold medal while jumping!!!

Deepika Padukone: I have more Fans than You.
Alia Bhatt: Big deal, I have AC at Home

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Smaller Eggs!

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs."
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The Bragging Texan

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was, "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the Magnificent Niagara, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this Wonder of Water & Power.

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"

He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
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Squirrels are Nuts!

A pedestrian stepped off the curb to cross the street and a car suddenly came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him. He started to run, trying to get out of the way but the car changed lanes and was still coming at him.

He turned around to go back to the curb but the car changed lanes again and was heading right for him. As the car approached, the man became so frightened that he froze and stopped in the middle of the road.

At the last possible moment, the car swerved and screeched to a halt right beside him.

The window rolled down and he was amazed to see that the driver was a large squirrel.

The squirrel looked him up and down and said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
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